Change.2

Physician, heal thyself (Luke 4:23)

Sometimes when I’m typing and I misspell a word, I backspace, type it again, and realize I’ve spelled it wrong exactly the same way I just erased. So, I type it again, and again it’s wrong, maybe the same way and maybe a whole new kind of wrong.  Then I backspace, type it again only this time I put my hand back in the wrong spot and now I have this bunch of gibberish that looks nothing like the word I was trying to type.  It can be maddening some days. My life is going like that right now.

All this glorious change I’ve been manifesting has been wonderful and exciting. These last few months, maybe six or so, have been really enlightening and yet confusing. I’ve wanted so much. Not more than I deserve I don’t think, but definitely more than I was able to carry at one time. I had to put some things down. At least one of those I really, really wanted. I wanted it bad, but I couldn’t do it right with everything else I have on my plate, and it couldn’t wait for me to have more time. Yesterday I realized that I’ve been sadder about that than I’ve been willing to acknowledge. Darn denial will get me every time.

I feel myself becoming depressed. I’m actually happy about that you know. I’m happy that I recognize these signs like wishing I was alone more often, becoming irritated by the slightest bit of unnecessary sound, and eating everything I can get my hands on. Gastric sleeve surgery has limited my ability to binge eat, but I’m still able to consume small portions of bad food choices nearly every hour. I stopped going to the gym, then hurt my knee which gave me an excuse to continue slacking on the gym. My waistline is pudgier, my mood is darker, my despair is growing deeper, but I don’t want to go there again. I swore when I left that life I’d never return, and I meant it. I have the tools to stop the downward spiral and I will use them; every one of them if need be.

I know that currently I’m not trying to carry more than I can handle. I know myself well enough to realize I’m feeling this way because I haven’t been prioritizing things which means I don’t have a clear plan for my life every day. I learned some years back that if you practice good fire prevention (prioritizing and mitigating risk) then you don’t have to spend so much time putting out fires (handling issues) which means you have more time for pleasurable activities. I’ve dropped the ball on fire prevention which means I’ve become overwhelmed with fire fighting. This is so clearly what I would say to a friend if they were sharing the same problems with me. I have the answer. I simply need to take the first step, take action.

Yesterday I cried all the way to work. I grieved the thing I didn’t get to have a few months ago. What is meant for me will always be mine. I don’t always get to pick the time. I get it. I must remember that. That grieving has really set the ball rolling for me. Next, I will take care of the biggest fire I have burning so I don’t have to think about that anymore. Then I will make time for some exercise. Even if all I do is take a walk, it’s enough. After that, I’m going to do the same thing I do when I’m typing and repeatedly making the same error. I’m going to slow down and focus my attention on my actions until I get it right,. The rest will fall into place.